Wednesday-May 30th 2012
Jacobi slept through the night-only the second time ever!
I bring him to my bed and lay him next to me to nurse......He latches right on and I stroke his hair and sigh as I always do when we are sleepy and cuddly.
After a few moments,Jacobi pulls off the breast...this is when I normally offer the other side to 'top him off'.
He nips my nipple-something he does occasionally-and I gently end the nursing session.
After Jacobi eats breakfast I offer to nurse again-it's near his morning nap time and he enjoys his mama milk before bed.
I lift my shirt and instead of the nuzzle he normally gives while latching on,he looks at my breast and bites me-not hard,but enough to make me flinch.
I give it a minute and try again.....Jacobi arches his back and fusses.
I stop trying and figure that he just had a big breakfast so he'll nurse later.
He goes for his nap without breastmilk....for the first time ever.
Jacobi wakes up from his nap-and like usual I offer to nurse before any solid foods.
He arches his back and groans.....he wants to get down.
By this point I'm feeling rather rejected and frustrated.
I start researching online and in the breastfeeding books I have on hand-which for the most part tells me that it's NOT baby led weaning.
I'm trying not to let the feeling of rejection get to me.....I'd planned and hoped for no less than 12 months and was striving for 18 months of nursing.
My breasts are feeling full....and it's been over 6 hours since Jacobi last nursed.
I pull out my double breast pump thinking "Boy,I'm glad I bought this........"
I hook myself up and after 25 minutes I had a little over 4 oz total.
I start experiencing the fear that my nursing relationship with Jacobi might be over.
"What if I can't keep up my supply?"
"Will I be able to pump exclusively?"
I have so many questions.......
Still no nursing.
I've been wearing Jacobi close to me in the Ergo and offering to nurse often.
Everything I have read says not to make it a big deal when he refuses the breast.....So I try not to make the disappointment obvious when he arches away from me.
I've only given him a little water and juice in the bottle just to keep him hydrated.
Jacobi seems tired.....I sneak off into his room with him while my other little ones are watching some Curious George.
I sit in the rocker in the darkened room and try to cuddle and hope to nurse.
Jacobi wants nothing to do with the breast and acts tired....I lay him down thinking maybe he's just overly tired or coming down with something.
I keep hoping that maybe when he wakes up he'll want to eat.
Jacobi wakes up....Once again he refuses to nurse.
I give him the bottle of milk I pumped earlier and he drinks it eagerly.
My breasts are leaking with the anticipation of his suckling.
After a diaper change he is sleepy and goes to bed.
I realize that my breasts are very full again...I'm beginning to feel sad,rejected and confused.
I pumped out another 4oz and stuck it in the fridge.
Pumping is a lot of work.
I have strong feelings of continuing to give Jacobi breastmilk even if he doesn't return to nursing.....and I see a long road of washing pump parts if he continues to refuse to nurse.
I pump another 3oz........
I have been busy all evening with Jeremiah (3 yrs old) who has a virus with a fever and rash.
Before this new job of pumping milk every few hours,I already felt overwhelmed much of the time.
Something I read said "Your baby needs you to help him through this-he wants to nurse and is as upset as you are."
Jacobi wakes up.....I think to myself "He just has to want to nurse now!it's nightime and he loves to nurse when he's sleepy."
I bring him into my bed and attempt to snuggle.....I love to stroke his soft baby hair while he sucks away contently.
But he doesn't nurse.
He starts grunting and fussing before we even get laid down.
I feel heartbroken.
I want to cry.
But I have to keep it positive-that's what they say.
I bring him downstairs and warm up a bottle of my milk.....He guzzles it down and goes back to bed.
I go to bed feeling lost,broken and struggling to keep faith that he will return to nursing.
My baby hasn't nursed in over 18 hours.
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